Getting a spot in the upcoming SMACK! tournament can be a daunting task, and even more humiliating, to know just how attractive (or unattractive) your abilities appear to your fellow paddlers…

What follows is a hacked letter from Mike Farley to Nick Curran:

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What, I’m that f*ing ugly?  Really?

Jordan A. had stated for weeks that we were playing SMACK this year.  Apparently, he’d rather make money giving lessons to prepubescent girls that day — I’ve been paying that bastard to coach my wife and daughter for a decade — and his brother’s of no help. Jeff actually wants to coach his college girls instead of play with me… and the best Aranda has no time for paddle anymore.  What gives?

You had stated that Feldman didn’t want me as a partner this year, so he selected Hutson.  That’s going to be a fail… and yet, Feldman could be good for a Chicago name to upset the apple cart — right?  Alas, no A+ guys… the Hinsdale Tournament is more prestigious to FIBs than SMACK!  You’re going to have to work on that.

Arvy’s a no-go, but no worries — Duke — perhaps he’ll want someone new – or knows a body or two who’s still in the clear.  Carlos. Really?  No dice. That’s two days wasted.

Bayliss?  Yes, Bayliss!  He’s better than any of those clowns.  You kidding?  3-hours too late.  He’s with Potokar?  What the hell is a Potokar?

Drake? Brogan? Brock? Cooley? Knoernschild? Regenfuss?  Hell, we won the Consolation Championship last year… no Federer sweater for me. 

Aaron Gardner at Town Club might know someone available — maybe Bell’s partner bailed…  Nope.  And Gardner’s off to Tokyo!

As you can see, Nick… I’m running the gauntlet here.  You have the list of who’s in and who’s yet to find a date.  Who have I overlooked? Do I have to fly Crosse in, for Christ’s sake?  

A little help from the tournament master would be good for my self-esteem.

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Farley finally found a partner and was the very last entry into the SMACK! Tournament.  Who he found and how he’ll do remains to be seen.