Considering all intelligent adults celebrate New Year’s at least 3 hours early, take it one step further and celebrate New Year’s 3 days early… this Thursday night at the club.

Below you will find an update on gossip, events, ranking adjustments, and stats.

Action Required

  1. Next time you’re out, bring a your lovely family Christmas card and tape it to the Fridge! Will be a nice touch for a couple of weeks. No life story cards, okay?

There are two big topics ‘round the water cooler these days

  1. Jack’s Pizza has found its way into the freezer and Connies got kicked to the curb like what we had with her wasn’t worth savings???…. Anyway, people are NOT happy. You can put sauce on a saltine cracker but that doesn’t make it a pizza. I can’t comment as to how this happened or who is responsible, just facts I can verify. The Connie Crew wants their pizza back.
  2. The adults in the room were disappointed, everyone heard about it, and it appears that the unnamed proverbial ‘children’ have cleaned up their act since. One offender even self-shamed / blamed you for his sins in an email I still haven’t figured out. Bottom Line: Continue to leave the place better than you found it and everyone will have a great time at the club.


  1. Thursday – come out for a half assed new year party, aka Thursday night. Bring the family Christmas card, holiday drinks, ma’s meatloaf, cookies, a smile, cash, whatever.
  2. In Season Tournament. Einhorn is coordinating, two 12 man teams (field is already set), draft is Thursday Jan 4, Drew and I are captains, that’s all I know. Oh, and my team name will be related to Connies ‘za and someone will be the last to get picked. Stay tuned.

Mid-Season Rankings Adjustments

  1. With the goal of ensuring everyone has good matches, in particular new guys who have joined and were mis-ranked, or that rapidly improved, we wanted to make the necessary mid-season adjustments. This ensures that all four players on court gets good matches. That said, if you look at the January schedule from Schmeeds carefully, you’ll notice that we manually adjusted absolutely nothing, and you’ll like it. The S.H.I.T. system is unassailable, Schmieding is not to be challenged, confronted, or even inconvenienced in any way, ever.  We all owe our paddle lives to this man.
  2. Don’t like your ranking?? Read below and feel free to come at me. Your story might even make the next newsletter.

Stats Update – This is the fun part.

  1. Fifty one players are within 100 points of the guy below them on the ladder (average match is +/- ~130 points). Seventy one are within 200, seventy eight are within 300. Just seven players have more than 300 points separating them from the shame of falling down the ladder. That is to say roughly 80 guys are able to move up or down a rank in their next match!
  2. Twenty Seven players moved at least 4 spots up/down from the start of the year. Nine players moved at least 7 spots, six of who(m?) moved up.
  3. Only four players hold the same rank they did in October, they are all .500 or within 1 win/loss of it.
  4. Safest player: At 10 on the ladder sits Cedar Club O.G. (put some respect on it) Brad Brogan, 550 points ahead of the 11th ranked player. The Top 10 may not change the rest of the season…
  5. Most Vulnerable: Duke – and it’s by a margin (this is statistically random and not his fault so this is not mean) – He’s just 70 points higher than the man 3 slots down the ladder, and 100 points if we go down 4 spots. He could lose 101 points and drop 4 ranks without any of those guys being in the match. He could lose 157 points specifically to Regenfuss and drop 5. Do I smell a highlighted match of the week????
  6. Most Improved Ranking – David Florsheim – went 10-2, moved up 14 spots, collected a whopping 1,358 point differential. That’s a lot.
  7. Honorable Mention
    1. Tom Gelin – went 10-1 (started 10-0), moved up 11 spots, collected an impressive 1,217 point differential.
    2. Teddy Stuckslager went 7-1 (started 7-0), moved up 6 sports, and his only loss came on a technicality as the match was improperly teamed.
    3. Sugar Tits moves up 12 slots with a 9-2 record and 898 accum. pt. diff.
    4. Ryan Oaks is undefeated at 5-0 (earning 124 PPM), and Christ Nolte is 4-0 (147 PPM!!!)…. the only two players to not have taken an ‘L’ this year.
  8. Most Humiliated: He who shall remain unnamed, dropped 12 spots, accumulated -1156 point diff.  “Buzzes Girlfriend….Woof”

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals… and Happy New Year.

Dave Brock